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| “I don’t know if I should be impressed or concerned that the parrot knows so many curse words.” |
A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.
On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around he suddenly hears a voice.
*Squawk!* "Hey there, pal. How goes it?"
Confused, the man looks all around but doesn't see anyone. He lets out a soft, "Uh, hello?"
"Down here, dude!" *Squawk!*
The man crouches down to find a beautiful parrot inside a rickety old cage. Flabbergasted, the man says, "I thought parrots could only repeat voices, but you can speak all by yourself?"
The parrot stands tall on his perch. "Yes sir! While all other parrots can only repeat, I'm an incredibly rare creature who can speak just as fluently as you." *Squawk*
The man can't believe his luck, finally, someone he can come home and talk to. The parrot speaks up again. "I should probably tell you that while the universe did grant me the ability to speak, it actually forgot to give me legs."
The man leans in for a closer look and sure enough, the parrot has no legs. Confused again, the man asks, "But if you don't have any legs, how do you stay on your perch?"
*Squawk!* "Haha, well, while I didn't get any legs, what I *did* get was this rather sizeable wiener. So I just wrap that around the perch and there we go."
The man shrugs, why not, right? The parrot says, "So what're we doing here, man? You taking me home or what? I bet if you spoke to the owner he'd cut you a deal, I mean shit, who wants a defective bird?!"
Sure enough, the owner agrees to sell the parrot for a fair price. Over the next few weeks man and bird become best friends. Every day the man hurries home from work where he spends all evening talking to his parrot. Sports, politics, music, pop culture, travel, etc. You name it and the parrot is well-versed. A distinguished bird, indeed.
One day, the man comes home and notices the parrot isn't as chipper as usual. Concerned, he asks the parrot what's up. The bird scoots toward the edge of his cage and says, "Well, something kinda strange happened today. The delivery guy came by just after you went to work and uh, your wife, she answered the door in her nightgown."
The man says, "Oh, I mean, she wears one of those old lady nightgowns, no big deal."
"I thought the same, right? But then...she invited him inside," replies the parrot.
"Hmm," ponders the man, "Maybe it was a heavy package he was delivering?"
The parrot flaps his wings a bit. "You know, I thought that too! But when he came in, he didn't have a package. And then that's when stuff started going down."
Now quite concerned, the man goes against his better judgment. He doesn't wanna know, but he has to. "Okay, uh, so what happened when he came into the house?"
*Squawk* "Welp, they started kissing on each other..."
Mortified, the man begins pacing about. "Cripes, how could she do this?! Maybe it was only a kiss (only a kiss)?!"
"Man, I wish that's all that happened." *Squawk!*
Nearing a panic attack, the man asks the parrot to continue.
"You sure you wanna know?!"
"I've no choice! Tell me what happened!" responds the man.
"Okay then...so they're smoochin' like it's going out of style when they start getting all sorts of handsy..."
The man is seeing red by this point. "Ugh! And then what happened?"
*Squawk!* "Well, she goes ahead and tears off his shirt."
"And then...?"
"He lifts up her nightgown and gets a look at all the cash and prizes..."
Nearly broken, the man must know the full story, again he says, "And then what happened?"
*Squawk* "Fuck if I know. It was at that point I got a boner and fell off my perch."
Image: © Æ Firestone
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