🆚 NSFW: Virgin vs. Chad

 

Today I bought extra virgin olive oil. After I used it it was just olive oil.

    A scrawny young man named Virgil was the college's virgin. He was a lonely 19-year-old boy from Virginia who never had a girlfriend in his life. He was paled-skinned, tall, frail, and skinny as a branch. His black hair seems to overreact to the wind during a windy day. He often wears neutral-colored clothing and only a black coat.

He's a very polite young man....too polite as he gives too much space to oncoming traffic, but he secretly hates people who slowly walk beside him.

He's very insecure about how he walks; the way he does it is called the "Virgin Walk." When walking, his stiff/straight arms have little movement, his foot movements take long strides, and as he likes running shoes, he's always going too fast as he compulsively needs to pass anyone walking slightly slower than him. 

The boy always avoids eye contact and looks away immediately if accidental contact as his head is craned forward. And he never stands up straight, as his back is always slouched in a weird posture. When it comes to his hands, he struggles to find a comfortable hand form as it's too tense and rigid.

Every time people see him, Virgil often wears ears phones. No one knows what he listens to. It's a mystery.

    Then there was this young muscular dude who was a few years older than Virgil, and his name was Chad Thundercock. He has tan skin from the sun, piercing blue eyes, and his blonde hair has been firmly fastened to never react to wind or any laws of physics!

Born in the proud nation of Chad, Chad was the alpha male in the block as he was not a sensitive person and never showed emotions or feelings for others at all. He also does not feel the need to anyone because he's already brutalized everyone nearby into submission. He intentionally slaps and batters incoming traffic to make his own path as his arms constantly flail in confident, unpredictable ways. Like his hands are always prepared to grab them by the pussy. He's also figured out how to always look everyone in the eye at once at all times.

Chad's walking form is poised like a Greek statue, perpetually in contrapposto, and often rapidly tiptoes around like he's "going to the store" and has a Tiny beetle-like stride. His head is at a perfect verticle angle at all times, and his back is so straight you could measure the structural foundation with his spinal cord. No one alive can insult his posture and get away with it. 

This man always wears a visually-painful bright neon attire that has "OUCH!" written on it and $3000 highlighter boots from Giuseppe Zanotti. He never wears a coat as he is hot-natured and immune to the cold. Unlike Virgil, Chad has never heard a song in his entire life!

(But no one wants to talk about the wizard! Never!)

    Chad is a super straight male as he is always with a woman, and all females are attracted to him like a magnet. Desperate for answers, Virgil went up directly to Chad asks this muscular man directly in the eye how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular giant says, "Here's what you do kid: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

Then the next night at the college party, all the girls ran away from the scrawny virgin, screaming and laughing and pointing.

The muscular Chad sees this and comes over to Virgil. "Dude," he says. "You have to put the potato in the front."

"What?" said the confused virgin.

"You got it hanging down there like a fucking lump of shit! Put a potato down yer bathers it's supposed to be yer dick!"

Embarrassed, Virgil walked away so fast like he wasn't even there.

Virgil the Virgin was speed walking through the college courtyard on a cloudy day with his headphone on and looking down to the ground like an autistic person. 

    Afterward, he finally sat on a street bench and kept listening to his songs. He felt alone and depressed as he keeps reminding himself that his weiner is small and his right hand is his only best friend.

Then a woman wearing a red dress sat beside him crying over something. She was a gorgeous woman with blonde hair, tall legs, thick thighs, and a nice piece of ass.

She looked at him and said as she sniffed from her crying, "My husband left me, said I've been used up and my prime is forever gone. So, I decided to find another man, and he too said I'd already been used up. I'm 35 years old, what I'm a going to do now?"

Then the little virgin boy put his headphones away and arranged his soft boney fidgety hands on the lady's warm shoulder. She looked up to him directly in the eye and saw Virgil with a smile on his face. "It's going to be okay."

Three Months Later

    It was lunchtime and the virgin was alone by himself studying mathematics. Then the big dick Chad comes along with his two women. He cleared the table making Virgil's stuff fall off the floor and says to him, "Shut up and give me your money otherwise I will tell everyone that you are still a virgin."

"Haha, I am not a virgin anymore." said Virgil.

"Haha nice joke, kid."

"If you don't believe me then ask your sister or brother."

"Ha I don't have a brother or a sister, dumbass."

"Will just wait for 9 months then you will know."

Story & Art by Æ Firestone