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| What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see... |
One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.
So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she has it on good authority that eating baby seagulls is an aphrodisiac for dolphins.
What she needs me to do is go to the beach and find her some gull babies. See, this zoo where I used to work is next to a little forested area, and beyond the forest is the Pacific ocean. My mission is to go through the forest to the beach, find a seagull nest, retrieve some baby seagulls, and bring them back to the zoo.
So I say I'm down to nab some gull chicks. My boss hands me a sack and a baseball bat for gull clubbing and she's about to send me on my way. But then she gets this guilty look, and she says she should probably tell me about the lion.
She tells me this lion was being transported to the zoo this morning, adult male lion, but somehow the drop-off got botched. Whoever was in charge took the sedative for granted too much so this doped up cat wandered off when no one was looking.
And what's really funny is, that asshole just got fired!
But anyway, my boss tells me this lion was last seen fleeing into the forest, but it should still be sedated, so based on that I'm not getting hazard pay.
I don't ask questions, though. I take the sack and the bat and I head out. Get through the forest without a hitch.
So I get to the beach and find a nest. Fight off mama gull with the bat. Get myself some babies. Put 'em in the bag. One good slam against a rock and they quit making noise. That part goes off, no problem.
So I head back through the forest. There's this creek going through it with a little bridge over it. On the way there, that wasn't worth mentioning. But on the way back, it is. Know why?
Because right in the middle of the bridge, there's that lion. Fast asleep. Sedated. Sprawled across the bridge so I can't cross without stepping over him. But I sure don't want to wake that thing up, just the same.
So with my sack of dead baby seagulls clutched close and my bat held at the ready, I started across that bridge. Lion was out cold. I stepped right over him, super smooth. Got to the other side of the bridge. Huge relief.
But then, just as I get to the right side of the bridge and I think I'm on the home stretch, this fucking cop pops out from behind a tree, and tells me I'm under arrest.
So of course I'm like, "What's the charge, officer?"
And the pig tells me, "Transporting young gulls across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises!"
Author: Mr. Sluagh / Image: © Cory Thoman
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